I have never been more confused in my life.

Before I typed the question every nerve in my brain was telling me I wouldn’t get an answer, but I still tried, I still was polite, I still asked even after asking many, many times. Why? Because I see value in this. On the other hand if you didn’t see any value, THEN WHY TELL ME SURE THING YES WE WILL OKAY OKAY OKAY WHEN IN THE END YOU ARE JUST GOING TO FORGET ABOUT IT AND SAY YES AGAIN WHEN THE ISSUE COMES UP? WOULD IT NOT BE EASIER TO SAY NO AND FORGET ABOUT THIS EVER HAPPENING AGAIN?

Don’t want my friendship, it’s fine. Just tell me.

They have put blades in my body

I cannot breathe

I am choking

My warm blood flows freely

from the my many wounds

Deliver me,

I implore you

Today has moved so slowly. I look at it in retrospect and liken it to those moments right before a major happening- a car ploughs into another; a runner crosses the finish line; a man on one knee about to transit from boyfriend to fiancée- except that this is not a moment but an entire day.

Something is going to happen. I cannot shake this dreadful feeling that bad news is about to come my way, bad news borne of overdone promises and neglect and miles and miles of space.

I am stopping

You’re gone.

I’m ready for this.

I can do anything.

I want a new Disney movie to come out. I love Disney songs.

1. A Whole New World
2. You’ll Be In My Heart
3. Reflection
4. Won’t Say I’m In Love
5. Beauty and the Beast
6. Shooting Star
7. True to your Heart
8. Go the Distance
9. Colours of the Wind
10. Under the Sea

There are so many things nobody looking from one angle is going to see. Then I try and give the other perspective but it won’t be able to show anything. I’m so confused.

I can’t say how sorry I am that the things I made them to be weren’t really how they are. I must have given you a fright here and there. Put you in the wrong place. Read you a wrong story.

I can’t say if there’s a next time, or if this is goodbye.

I can’t say the right thing anymore.

He always made me laugh. I remember the time Jarryl picked up a phone call from him and just couldn’t control his laughter because of the things Nicholas was saying. His childlike voice and features hides the true man he is inside.

I think you would agree with me if I said he was someone that everybody loved. Right now, it’s all coming back, the memories that we’ve shared, and I can’t control my tears.

Nicholas passed away yesterday, on the third of July. I will always remember the date. I will always remember his smile. I will always remember 2LT Nicholas Chan Wei Kit.

~

It is painful. It is hard not knowing when I’ll see you again. But I will. Rest in peace buddy.

Full speed ahead. I’m afraid I can’t keep up. If you asked me, I believe I have indeed saved myself. Maybe switching the OC in my name to 2L really did change things in ways unimaginable.

I’m changing so fast that I haven’t begun to grasp that concept.