I am bleeding

They have put blades in my body

I cannot breathe

I am choking

My warm blood flows freely

from the my many wounds

Deliver me,

I implore you

I can’t say

There are so many things nobody looking from one angle is going to see. Then I try and give the other perspective but it won’t be able to show anything. I’m so confused.

I can’t say how sorry I am that the things I made them to be weren’t really how they are. I must have given you a fright here and there. Put you in the wrong place. Read you a wrong story.

I can’t say if there’s a next time, or if this is goodbye.

I can’t say the right thing anymore.

Goodbye

He always made me laugh. I remember the time Jarryl picked up a phone call from him and just couldn’t control his laughter because of the things Nicholas was saying. His childlike voice and features hides the true man he is inside.

I think you would agree with me if I said he was someone that everybody loved. Right now, it’s all coming back, the memories that we’ve shared, and I can’t control my tears.

Nicholas passed away yesterday, on the third of July. I will always remember the date. I will always remember his smile. I will always remember 2LT Nicholas Chan Wei Kit.

~

It is painful. It is hard not knowing when I’ll see you again. But I will. Rest in peace buddy.

Changes

Full speed ahead. I’m afraid I can’t keep up. If you asked me, I believe I have indeed saved myself. Maybe switching the OC in my name to 2L really did change things in ways unimaginable.

I’m changing so fast that I haven’t begun to grasp that concept.

Safe

I recently started saying: Be safe, be sorry. But then again I think about it and I realise I’ve been too safe all my life. Yeah well I get crazy and do things to make everyone wonder what the hell I was thinking at the time, but it’s still within certain sane boundaries.

I’m thinking of breaking some so called rules. I’m thinking of playing dirty once in a while. The hard part is wondering if I’m going to become an asshole in the process.

Meanwhile, a life needs re thinking.

Don’t

To me:

Don’t give up, don’t give in, don’t make excuses, don’t say sorry, don’t wait, don’t show pain, don’t show emotion. 

To you:

Don’t lie.

This time it’s for real.

I hate what you’ve done to this. But you’re happy. Too bad for me then.

I don’t miss it anymore. I don’t think about it anymore. Is that a good thing? Maybe not. 

I have this feeling that I’ll have an awful day tomorrow. Someone please shake me and tell me I’m not losing it. Someone please shake me and tell me everything is going to be fine. 

There is the very real and present possibility that this pattern is going to repeat itself This time, I must stop it. This time, it’s for real.

Goodbye.

Conflict

Maybe you’d think it weird that I like imagining shit happening in every day life like somebody getting shot; a helicopter landing in a car park and men in plastic suits running out; Chinese guys in black tuxedoes surrounding somebody and stabbing him with knives- things that you don’t see ever but wonder how people would react. 

It’s so cinematic- like the scene where Avner is running down stairs with a bunch of disguised Israeli commandos at his back, guns in hand, gunfire everywhere. 

Can’t help it that it’s all over the movies and people might just accuse me of being a film whore. But real life is boring, isn’t it?

“…and you will know it.”

The day has come. Yes, I am ready to play this game.

Old and new, old and new.

This is a goodbye.

A goodbye to the people who have once been a large part of my life, and who have, over the months and minutes, slowly become just other people on this earth. Goodbye to all of you who were once important but not anymore. I tried to keep you, but things don’t go that way sometimes.

This is an apology. 

An apology to the people who have once regarded me as important. An apology to those who have tried to contact me but failed due to my absence. I’m sorry that I could not be there. I know you tried to keep me.